How NOT to Milk a Goat In 40 Easy Steps

     We have been milking Tractor for about a week and a half now and, let me tell you, the excitement and glamour is definitely waning.  The "buckets and buckets" of goat milk GD was planning on getting is in reality only 1/4 a cup a day.  I probably could get more, but Tractor doesn't like to be milked.  According to a couple different blogs I should be able to milk-train my goat in 3 days or less using such methods as feeding, talking calmly, caressing, and psychic powers.  Although I haven't tapped into my psychic powers yet, it's been 10 days and I'm still getting kicked.  Since there are over half a million google hits on how to milk a goat, I thought I would tell you how NOT to milk a goat.

  

How NOT to Milk a Goat in 40 Easy Steps    

Step 1: Around mid-afternoon start telling your children that they need to separate the baby goat from the mommy goat. 

Step 2: After an hour of reminding them that they wanted to be goat farmers and they need to separate the baby goat from the mother, go out and take the baby goat from its mother yourself.   

Where do you put the baby goat? Your small extra chicken coop, of course.  

The task of catching the tiny, very lively goat could be another 40 steps in and of itself.  Let me just give you some advice, don't wear flipflops for this.

Step 3: Wait 3-4 hours. 

Step 4: In the meantime, sterilize your bowl and filter and put then in the freezer along with a measuring glass. Otherwise your milk will taste goaty. 

Step 5: After the waiting period put on clothes that you don't mind getting goat manure on. 

Step 6: Gather up a warm wet wash cloth, an old towel, and your cold glass bowl. 

Step 7: Corral the entire family and head out to the goat barn. 

Decision making time: Do you put the baby in the stroller or does the milking parent (me) wear her or does the goat barn guarding parent (G) wear her?  

If she's in the stroller she will be sitting by herself missing out on the action and be unhappy. 

If she's worn by the milking parent she'll be jostled around over manure and possibly kicked by a goat. 

If she's worn by the goat guarding parent she will be jostled around and possibly head butted by a goat. 

Step 8: Realize you should have gotten the goat feed ready before you got the bowl out of the freezer. 

Step 9: Actually get the goat feed. 

Step 10: While you're at it grab some weeds from the garden. 

Step 11: Enter the goat barn and shake the feed bucket. Almost be trampled by mother goats. 

Step 12: Try to coax the milking goat onto the stand and eventually just pick her up and drop her there and lock her in place. 

Step 13: Meanwhile lure the other goat out and guard the barn entrance. Otherwise she'll just taunt the milking goat. And its difficult to milk a goat that's trying to head butt her sister while in a stanchion. 

Step 14: Give the milking goat some feed. 

Step 15: Place the old towel under her unto prevent manure from being kicked into your milk. 

Step 16: Wipe down the teats.

Step 17:  Smack the udder good and hard a couple times to get the milk going

Step 18: Finally start to milk. 

Step 19: Pause milking while 5-year-old scoops out more feed out of the bucket because the goat is already done eating and kicking you. 

Step 20: Resume milking. 

Step: 21: Repeat Steps 18-20 until you're out of feed. 

Step 22: Meanwhile have your 2-year-old climb up the haystack himself and not being able to get down and be calling for help continuously. 

Step 23: Have 5-year-old attempt to feed the goat weeds while to keep it still for a few minutes longer.

Step 24: Try to catch the hind end of the bucking goat in the stanchion to get a little more milk out. 

Step 25: Make sure your children shriek whenever a little bit of milk gets kicked out of the bowl.  

Step 26: Have the 5-year-old hold a goat leg and so you can get out a little more milk. 

Step 27: Once you have all your children hollering for one reason or another and the milking parent almost in tears decide its not worth it.   If you listen closely you may even be able to hear the cries of the baby goat from the chicken coop.

Step 28: Let the goat loose.

Step 29: Run the little bit of milk you got up to the house as quickly as you can without spilling it.

Step 30: Let baby goat out of the chicken coop on the way. 

Step 31: Strain the hair out of the milk into your chilled measuring glass.  Let's not even talk about the hair.

Step 32: Be disappointed how little milk you got. 

Step 33: Chide yourself for giving up so easily and think about going back to try to get more and then realize that's crazy. 

Step 34: Get the milk in the freezer as quick as you can before it tastes goaty. 

Step 35: Freeze the milk completely. 

Step 36: Have a parental meeting discussing the pros and cons of milking the goat.

Step 37: Thaw milk the next day. 

Step 38: Serve it to your children.

Step 39: Children refuse to drink it because it tastes goaty. 

Step 40: Start all over again.

We're beginning to think it's not all worth it for a 1/4 cup of milk.  But I don't give up that easily.